How do I ditch my vampire child and wife?

HA HA! I don't know what's worse, the fact that so many people had no clue what you were talking about or the fact that I did. We all know that this is not a realistic twilight scenario at all because every one knows Edward is gay, and he and Jacob will go running off into the sunset together to pound each others s and Bella will kill herself out of depression. Then the world can finally be free of the nightmare that is twilight ands its mindless whining.